*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise