[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I can’t deal with men any longer
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Warm pools make me nervous.