I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
You Might Also Like
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
this is so top tier i cant