Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
What about second breakfast?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”