I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.