Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.