When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s