friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.