There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”