If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
And bowling should be called pinball
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
remember
only for emergencies