I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Well, that should do it
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Well, this is awkward
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.