I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
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To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie