Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Some people were born into their job.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…