‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!