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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away