If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.