Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
You Might Also Like
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off