I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*