4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Dolls on drugs
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.