Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”