12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
You wish you had this many chins.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
it’s the silliest best thing
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be