[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit