Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100