scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
You Might Also Like
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.