Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.