[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
This is why I hate group projects
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body