Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.