Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”