My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?