Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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What the hell is going on?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.