Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
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ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Donkey Kong sommelier
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.