You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together