doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?