I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
lmfao
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…