i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit