me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
is this a warning or an offer?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.