[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
japanese corn
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
yall want some gasoline milk
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.