6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!