ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.