Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.