Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Lmaoo 😂
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
This made me chuckle cuz mood
*updates tinder bio*