Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist