My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.