I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
You Might Also Like
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha