My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.