WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Digital security in Ancient Troy
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
i have one speed and it’s mosey
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there