I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My dog ate my work from home.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?