A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.