Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”