my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.